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Clearly unhinged? Read on, as

Classical Music Agony Aunt ALICE McVEIGH takes on

Wikianswers, J S Bach and Johann Peter Kellner

And now, an excerpt from: Wikianswers.

Nobody has been able to answer this question yet:

1. Answer 'How much does a musician earn?'
2. If you can't offer a complete answer, it's still helpful to get things started and point people in the direction for more information.
3. Discuss how it should be answered or write other comments that do not directly answer the question.
4. Ask your own question using the toolbar at the top of the page.
5. Watch this question and be alerted when it's answered.

1. 'Yeah, well, the money's good, but there's not much of it.'
2. 'Earn. You mean we're meant to be EARNING??'
3. 'After paying the violin's mortgage, or before?'
4. 'Which musician?'
5. 'Is this an Inland Revenue question?'
6. 'Is this a joke?'
7. 'You can say that again.' (in relation to: Nobody has been able to answer this question yet.)

This week 'Ask Alice' of www.mvdaily.com can exclusively reveal that the REAL author of 'Bach's' six cello suites is. Johann Peter Kellner, his buddy, fellow organist and cantor.

This is CONCLUSIVELY PROVEN by the fact that it dates from around 1726, and thus PREDATES the score in Anna Magdalena's handwriting, scribbled manfully while washing C P E Bach's hair, scolding Johann Christian Bach for being on the internet instead of doing his homework and ordering pizza for 21. Steven Isserlis, my fellow writer (I don't have quite enough nerve to describe myself as his fellow cellist) states this in the fascinating introduction to his sublime new recording (of the six Kellner cello suites).

Additionally, he claims that, 'there are passages so unlike each other (in the Kellner and Anna Magdalena versions) as to suggest that Kellner's manuscript might have been taken from an earlier version of the suites that Bach himself later revised. The Kellner version also contains many more ornaments than Anna Magdalena's copy). How much easier would our lives be if Bach's own manuscript(s) had survived. '

So there you have it. Always FIRST with the BREAKING NEWS, scholars will have to revise their every textbook.

The reasons for J P Kellner's modesty, by insisting on putting 'by J S Bach' on the top of the copy in his handwriting, can only be guessed at. Possibly J S was holding a gun to his head, saying, 'Heh heh. These are too good for YOU to claim, 005. The world will always believe them to be MINE, MINE, MINE. ' Or, very possibly, Kellner owed Bach money for gambling debts. But, for whatever reason, this controversy can at last be put to rest, courtesy of my fellow writer, S Isserlis. (And not at all a bad little cellist either, of which more anon. )

Next week: Why the moon is made of GREEN CHEESE (with mouldy bits), and the American-Russian CONSPIRACY used to deceive us otherwise.

The week after: Why the earth is actually flat, including an expose of the capitalist, globalist, sexist, weightest, male-dominated CONSPIRACY which has DECEIVED THE WORLD FOR CENTURIES. ('Here I am, top Music Vision reporter, here at the world's edge, whereby I can actually see both downwards and upwards. Hang on, there's some weird guy in an 18th century wig waving at me from Hell, shouting, Curses on you for disclosing my centuries'-old secret. . Clearly unhinged, I'm afraid.')

Copyright 20 July 2007 Alice McVeigh. Kent UK